


I Can Barely Say

by BlazersEtc



Series: Explaining Alexander [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec has Aspergers, Angst, Anxiety, Aspergers, Aspergers!Alec, Explaining Alexander Series, Fluff, M/M, Malec, Nervous Alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-22 01:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8267000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazersEtc/pseuds/BlazersEtc
Summary: Alec likes talking to Magnus, but what happens when Magnus cuts off communication? [Part of the Explaining Alexander Seiries] Aspergers!Alec. Unbeated.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is part one of my Explaining Alec series. These fics will all be snips that fit (mostly) with canon!Shdowhunters with the change that Alec has Aspergers. Please do not use these fics as a guidebook on how to deal with those of us on the Aspergers spectrum. Everyone is different and what may be true of Alec or me will not translate in exactly the same way to everyone on the spectrum. I write these fics so that those out there who aren't on the spectrum can understand it a little bit better, and hopefully you all enjoy them!

 

 

 

 

Alec had never felt more nervous in his life. The second he'd stormed down the isle and taken Magnus by his blazer and kissed him Alec hadn't stopped being nervous. In the moment it had been a lot of things adding to his nerves: the clave looking on, the judgment his parents were giving him, the fact that he was coming out and knocking out his first kiss at the same time- in a room full of people none the less. Now, however, the nerves were for different reasons.

  
Alec knew that he couldn't make everyone like him, no matter how hard he tried, his parents included, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt when people talked behind his back. Alec knew there was going to be talk, of course he did, but that didn't mean it was easy to deal with coming from the people who are supposed to defend you.

  
At first, it hadn't been too big of a deal, Alec had Magnus to talk to and even though he hadn't exactly poured his heart out the fact that Magnus was there was enough to ease Alec's worries; until Magus suddenly wasn't. Since the night of the wedding, Alec had been in near constant communication with the High Warlock of Brooklyn. After their conversation about Camille it had been conversation after conversation about Alec's immortality. Alec was constantly reassuring Magnus that he didn't want to cause him pain and Magnus, in turn, would reassure him that he would worry about that when the time came. After a while, those conversations were dropped for lighter subjects and Alec found himself reaching for his phone more often than ever before. Little messages from Magnus throughout the day would leave him smiling to himself while he went over mission reports and putting the energy back in his step after a particularly rough training session.

  
Magnus had even helped Alec through a particularly nasty night of nightmares, when pain came seeping through Alec's parabatai rune, as Magnus stayed on the other end of the phone because Alec didn't want to risk Magnus coming to the institute so late at night without a justifiable reason, at least a justifiable reason in the clave's eyes.

  
All of that had come to halt on Tuesday evening. Alec had finished training for the day and sent Magnus a quick text before hoping in the shower. When Alec had cleaned off the dirt and grime from the day and dried off he checked his phone, his brow furrowing a bit when he noticed there was no reply. Alec shrugged it off, after all, Magnus kept odd business hours and he was probably not able to check his phone at the moment. Alec set his phone to the side and fell into bed.

  
The next morning rolled around and Alec sent another message:

  
**_From Alec:_ **  
**_Just making sure you're still alive._ **

 

Alec pocketed his phone and went about his daily routine: today that was breakfast, training and more mission reports. It was lunch by the time Alec got to check his phone again, and he frowned at the fact that there was still no reply. Alec tried to ignore the worry he felt settling into his body, setting his phone back in his pocket and continuing on with the day's tasks. When Alec climbed into bed that night he still had no reply from Magnus, though his app told him Magnus had seen the message shortly after lunch. Alec tried not to worry about it too much and rolled over, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

  
On day three Alec could feel a strange sense of panic filling him, one he hadn't felt in a long time. Magnus was very much alive, or at least if he wasn't his cat was checking his phone and updating his social media, but Alec hadn't heard a word from the Warlock. After so many weeks with non-stop contact, it gave Alec a feeling of unease, what if Magnus had decided it wasn't worth it? That _he_ wasn't worth it? What if Magnus had realized that he'd only have a short while with Alec and it wasn't worth the pain and heartbreak?

  
Alec nervously put his phone in his back pocket and tried to go about his day, fighting back the strange sense of fear he felt. When evening hit Alec sent off another text, trying his best not to sound to pesky:

  
**_From Alec:_ **  
**_Hope everything's okay. Sorry if these texts are annoying. Just let me know and I'll stop sending them._ **

 

On day four Alec felt like he was losing his mind. A little check next to Magnus's name let Alec know he'd seen the message from last night but there was still no reply. Alec was starting to think Magnus really had moved on and hadn't bothered to inform him. By lunch, Alec had a text from Magnus and his heart soared until he read the message:

  
**_From Magnus:_ **  
**_Everything's fine. Busy week._ **

 

Alec knew the words should soothe him, but instead they only made things worse. Even if Magnus was busy, he would usually take the time to type out a reply or two on his breaks or during meals. Instead, he was getting four words-and Magnus hadn't even denied that Alec was annoying him. Alec pocketed his phone and swallowed to fight back the strange sense of abandonment he felt.

Day five had Alec feeling like throwing his phone into the Hudson River. Alec had spent the day going on mission after mission, taking down demons left and right and by the time it was dark Alec was ready to take a shower and sleep-but he found that he couldn't. He'd been so focused on work that he hadn't had time to think about the fact that Magus was ignoring him, but as he checked his phone he saw that there was once again nothing from the Warlock.

  
Alec was good at ignoring emotions, it was something he'd learned to do at a young age, emotions got your hurt and getting too close to people only brought pain. Shadowhunters died early and often, being too close to someone only meant heartbreak and distraction from a Shadowhunter's goal. There were exceptions of course: Izzy, Jace, and Max, those were the people that Alec would do anything for, that knew his secrets [excluding Max, because Alec wasn't about to put that type of weight on a child] and were a part of him. Alec learned quickly that attachments outside of those only meant pain. Alec was good at making friends at first, or so he thought, but just as Alec thought he'd found a good friend they'd turn on him and tell him they'd never been friends and Alec could remember those situations all too well.

  
Brandon had been a fellow Shadowhunter, and he seemed like a nice guy, always willing to train with Alec or grab a drink with Jace and Izzy, but after three months of constantly hanging out with the Lightwood gang and being in near constant contact with Alec, he'd told Alec that they were only acquaintances and Alec realized that he'd gotten a lot closer to Brandon than Brandon had to him. Where Alec could tell you Brandon's favorite color, the way he felt about peanut butter, and the Clave's latest bylaws-Brandon couldn't even remember anything about Alec. He'd accused Alec of being oblivious to his personality, but it was Brandon who was oblivious. After that, Alec swore not to let anyone else in, but every time he would fall for the same thing. He'd meet someone and get close to them, only to be told he didn't matter; and it was happening again. It was happening with Magnus.

  
Alec set his phone aside and tried to fight off the unreasonable tears.

On day six Alec had given up all hope that the Warlock would ever speak to him again. Alec figured he should probably have seen this coming, after all it never made sense for someone as beautiful and powerful to go after someone like him. A Nephilim with ex-circle members for parents who frowned upon Magnus not just for his orientation but who he was. Alec had gotten his hopes up and now he'd have to deal with being crushed. He should have seen it coming.

  
Alec shoved his bow back in it's resting place with a huff, mentally slapping himself for being so rough on his most prized possession but not able to undo the movement. He just needed a way to get some of the things he as feeling out.

  
"Now, now. What did that bow ever do to you?"

  
The voice was familiar, soothing and warm;it reminded Alec of a place he never wanted to leave. Alec turned slowly, worried that his ears were playing tricks on him. Alec didn't answer, instead he stared at the man in front of him, a man who looked no different than usual; His hair perfectly coifed, makeup done perfectly without a flake of glitter out of place. Alec knew he looked horrible in comparison. HIs shoulder sagged with exhaustion from the hunt and from the past few days, his eyes were red rimmed from lack of sleep and bruises were forming under his eyes.

  
When he offered no reply Magnus gave and awkward little smile, "Perhaps we should go back to my loft?" Alec nodded but didn't say anything further and Magnus took that as his cue. Magnus quickly created a portal and Alec stepped through, Magnus following behind.  
****  
"What's bothering you, Alexander? You've hardly spoken a word since you got here." Magnus looked so concerned that it made Alec's heart hurt and he looked into his lap, picking at a loose thread on his cargo's he worked up the courage to speak. 

  
"Are...what...what am I to you?" Alec's voice was quiet, scared of the answer and trying his hardest not to back out of his own question. Alec was proud of himself for managing to get the words out.

  
"Where is this coming from?" Magnus set his drink aside and moved to sit beside Alec, trying to get a better read on Alec's state of mind.  
Alec bit his lip as he tried to think of an explanation that didn't make him sound needy.

  
"I just...you didn't talk to me for a week and I assumed you had...changed your mind. I mean, I'm not immortal and I'm sure you realized it by now. I'm not exactly the most eligible bachelor and until the wedding I've never even kissed-" Alec cut himself off and rubbed at the back of his neck, trying to hold back tears he didn't know he had.

  
"Oh, Alexander." Magnus's voice was so full of understanding that Alec could hardly stand it. Magnus reached out to take Alec's hand in his own,causing Alec to look up. "I will never change my mind. I had a crazy schedule this week. I had to make a healing potion and my loft was trashed by a demon I had to summon and don't even get me started on trying to get payment out of the fare folk." Manus shook his head with a tired smile and it was then that Alec noticed the dark circles on Magnus's own face, proof of the week he'd had.

  
"I didn't change my mind and I didn't forget about you, I just got busy. And don't ever think that your experience matters to me. Not having experience doesn't make you less of a person or less desirable; and you my darling, are very desirable."

  
Alec blushed, ducking his head again and Magnus smiled a little to himself.

  
"Now that that's settled...why don't we have that drink you promised me?"

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm already working on the second installment but it's taking a bit longer than a usual fic would since I have to try and think through it in my own Aspergian way and then translate it to a way others will be able to make sense of. I sincerely hope you all enjoyed this fic!


End file.
